About 3 1/2 years ago a couple things happened simultaneously. I turned 40 and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me. Guess which one hurt more?
The break-up still haunts me to this day. Every other previous relationship I’d had either broke up because I did something stupid and/or detrimental, or I had stopped the relationship … usually because I was about to do something stupid and/or detrimental. This time…. I did nothing wrong! In fact, I don’t think she ever formally “broke up” with me. Just put us on a permanent “break”. Terminology aside, it amounts to the same thing.
So, that sucks, but a lot of things in life do. What’s been strange to me, however, is this now 3 1/2 year lull. I’ve been in relationships (dating, married, etc.) since I was 18. There was a stretch of about a year when I was 20/21 where I was not with anyone by choice. And, other times a month or two, but always because I didn’t want to have someone with me at the time.
Side note: Sometimes it’s difficult to say when I was in or out of some relationships as there was some overlap… put that on the list of stupid and/or detrimental things.
So, the combined whammy of: Turning 40, losing a steady relationship for no apparent reason, and being out of the singles scene for 20 years has thrown me for quite a loop.
What has happened to the dating world in the past 20 years? A lot. And, I don’t quite know how to navigate it, or if it’s even navigable. But, I’m getting off the original reason for this post.
What has happened to me. In the past 3 + years without a woman in my life, I’ve accomplished A LOT of things. I’ve taught myself piano and performed one man show with said piano, I’ve written a novel, I’ve opened a bar, I’ve created a money making arts program at that same bar, I’ve become a featured performer in a popular YouTube series (Beer and Boardgames, look it up.), I’ve learned to ride a motorcycle, started this web-site where I give away works I’ve created (many in the past 3 years), started painting, I’ve started doing stand-up comedy, and I now run a stand-up comedy club.
It’s a lot of stuff. Here’s the funny part. Most of those things I did were a way to make myself more appealing to the lady-folk. But, they’ve also made me so busy with things that I’ve no time to go seek out said lady-folk. And, I don’t really know how to seek them out in the first place… or if I did find them, what to do to woo them.
When first heartbroken, the advice/platitude that many people give and get is “You just need some time to learn how to be with yourself.” I’m pretty sure I learned that after the first year, maybe the first 2 years. But, now I’ve not only learned to live with/by myself, I’ve gotten used to it.
To the original point (the title of this blog ramble.) What was the point?
Some things I do distract me from the ever present threat of depression. And, that’s worked real well. I’m often too busy to be depressed. However, as said before, being that busy also makes me too busy to pursue the lady-folk.
I feel like I’ve spent a long time getting a cake baked, decorated, and all lit up with candles, and there’s no one to enjoy the cake with.
I guess I can just eat the cake myself.
Whew— that was a lot to get off my chest. If you read this, thank you, it’s nice to have someone to talk to. If you didn’t read this far… well, I don’t blame you, but I also wonder how you’re reading this last line? Are you the kind of person who reads the last page in a mystery novel? I bet you are, you son-of-a-gun.
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Beautifully said.
Thank you.
I kind of get where you’re coming from when it comes to finding someone. It’s been more years than I care to count since I’ve liked a guy who miraculously liked me back before I messed it up. I got used to being single and truth be told as much as I’d like someone to share my life with, I’m not completely convinced I could to devote the time and effort into a relationship that it deserves, or would even know how. Sometimes I think the random waves of loneliness that hit me from time to time are worth what I’ve been able to do with my life and continue to do and other times there’s nothing I want more than a hug and someone to connect with. I’m not sure if you find any comfort in knowing the way you feel is relatable, but I hope you do.
I am quite proud of all you’ve accomplished over the last couple years. It may have come out of a negative situation, but damn, if you haven’t become a more amazing person because of it.
I know its not the kind you are looking for, but I’ve always got a hug waiting for when you really need it. You never have to hesitate to call or text for the good or the bad times. Its only a hop over the tracks, and I’ll even bring wine to drown or celebrate with!